Recovering from toxic workplace burn out

Whilst working in a toxic workplace, I was repeatedly made to feel like I was the problem; an experience that had me doubting myself endlessly.  I couldn’t do enough.  Regardless of the positive feedback from my clients, I was made to feel like I was constantly on the back foot and doing things wrong.

When I flagged a racist incident to the head of the team, I was greeted with “You need to learn to play the game!”  I stood frozen in a trauma response.  I wasn’t being believed.  I wasn’t being supported and I was once again being made to feel like I was the problem.

Having to downplay my feelings of injustice time and time again was exhausting.  Hearing about the diversity, equity and inclusion strategy, while knowing it was lip service created profound cognitive dissonance.  An outward appearance designed to hide the inner reality.  Again, I questioned my own sanity.  Which is…draining!

I offered my support for every initiative that spoke to my sense of fairness and justice.  I brought expert speakers to the organisation to help the executives hear from others who not only felt the same as me, but had the professional and academic credentials to back it up.  Lived experience ought to be sufficient, but it rarely is deemed satisfactory when considering a shift in organisational culture!

I recall a conversation with a previous manager during a review meeting where she asked me why I was always tired!  The frustration and disrespect I felt when hearing that question caused me to let out an exasperated sigh and flop back into my chair. 

My exhaustion led to complete burnout and I knew I needed to leave.  Not because I had failed, but because I realised the system was broken and too far gone for any meaningful change to occur.